1. Set the tone.

How you talk to your spouse can impact how they feel about getting a will. If you come in guns a-blazin’, you’re likely to get some resistance—even if your spouse actually wants a will. But thoughtful, kind words can get a reluctant spouse on board. So talk to your partner like an adult who can add value—because they can.

If you’re single, ask a friend, pastor, close relative or other person you trust to help with your will. Then take the same approach: Be thoughtful and kind when you ask them to help, because their time and feedback are valuable.

Last but not least—whether you’re talking to your spouse or a friend—thank them at the beginning of your meeting. Show that you appreciate their opinion and will respect what they have to say moving forward.

2. Let this person help you.

Do you believe your spouse or trusted friend wants to do what’s best for you? Then act like it. Tell them what you want, so they can help. You might simply say, “Planning for the future is really important to me. I want us to make a will together so we have a plan and our loved ones are taken care of.” (If you’re single, you’ll use I and my instead of we and our.)

3. Ask why.

This one’s for the married folks: You have to have a will that you and your spouse both agreed to. But there are a lot of reasons your spouse may not want a will. They may be scared of dying or admitting they will die. They might not want to think about losing you. Or they really might not know why a will is so important.

And truthfully, people are bad listeners when they’re upset. So skip telling your spouse why they’re wrong. Instead, ask why they don’t want a will. Hold their hands, look into their eyes and say, “Can you help me understand why you’re feeling this way?” Showing how much you care about them can change the whole conversation.

4. Share your ideas and ask your spouse or friend to share theirs too.

You already did some planning for your will, which can be a great place to start talking. But just because you thought of something doesn’t mean it’s set in stone. In fact, your spouse or friend should suggest some changes because they’ll see things you didn’t.

So ask for their thoughts. Who do they think would be a good fit for each role? Did you forget any items that are important to your spouse? How do they think your stuff and money should be distributed to your loved ones? Remember, you’re a team!

5. List people you’ll ask to help carry out your will.

Helping carry out your end-of-life wishes is a big responsibility. So you’ll need to ask people if they want to help—don’t just assign them to a role in your will without their permission. For now, all you need to do is decide who you want to ask to help carry out your will. Work with your spouse or friend to make a list of people you want to be your:

Personal Representative

A personal representative oversees carrying out the wishes and instructions in your will. So they need to be trustworthy, responsible and good at meeting deadlines. If you’re married, you and your spouse should have the same personal representative to make carrying out your wishes simpler. And if you’re single, you may want to ask the friend who’s helping you plan your will if they want this role.

Guardian(s) for Your Kids and Pets

You’ll need to ask a lot of questions when you’re choosing a person (or a couple) to take care of your kids, like:

• Will your child be safe with this person?
• Does your child know this person well and feel comfortable with them?
• Does this person have the time, money, energy and room to care for your child?
• Will they be able to handle any special needs your child has?
• Do their beliefs and values line up with how you want your child to be raised?
• Do they live close to and have healthy relationships with your other family members?
• Can your child’s guardian also take on your pets, or do the animals need to go somewhere else?

Most of these questions work when choosing a guardian to care for your pet too—you’ll just want to change the wording a little.

Beneficiaries

These are the people and groups you want to give money or personal property to (family, friends, charities, etc.). Think about who they are. Will this gift be a blessing or a burden to them? Are they responsible enough to handle it? If the gift is too much work or responsibility for them, you may need to choose somebody else.

Powers of Attorney

Powers of attorney make financial and medical decisions for you if you become physically or mentally unable to do so—such as if you’re unconscious because of an accident or if you develop a disease that affects your memory. If you’re married, you and your spouse should be each other’s primary powers of attorney. But you both should also agree on backup powers of attorney in case you’re both unable to make decisions at the same time.

Single or married, you want someone trustworthy to be your financial and health care powers of attorney. And in most cases, you should actually choose two different people. After all, you want someone good with money to handle your finances. And you want someone who knows—or is willing to learn—your health care needs to handle your medical decisions.

6. Reach an agreement.

It sounds obvious, but we’ll say it anyway: Married couples need to be on the same page about their will. If there’s any disagreement now, it will only lead to heartache later. So take your time and make sure you agree before you ask anyone to help carry out your will or sign any paperwork.  

Singles, you have it a little easier because you have final say over what goes in your will—even if your friend really disagrees with you. That said, be careful here. You asked this person to help because you value their opinion, so think twice before you ignore any advice they feel really strongly about.

Married? Learn why and how to get a mirror will. Single? Get your top wills questions answered.