14 Signs You’re in a Toxic Relationship

The people in your life have a profound impact on your well-being. We’ll all experience the ups and downs of living with and loving imperfect people, but ultimately, our relationships should be a source of joy—not ongoing frustration or fear.

A toxic relationship is one that consistently leaves you feeling unsafe, unheard or drained. Maybe you’re being dismissed or manipulated. Maybe you’ve started walking on eggshells or losing your sense of self. When these patterns show up again and again, it’s a sign something deeper is going on.

Every human being on the planet is worth having rich, rewarding, and safe relationships. And every human being has a responsibility to co-create those relationships. So let’s learn to spot the signs of a toxic relationship so you can start creating healthy ones instead.

What Is a Toxic Relationship? (Definition + Examples)

A toxic relationship is one that has unhealthy dynamics and causes you distress or harm because you’re unsupported, manipulated or disrespected. While we all have our moments and seasons of selfishness, a truly toxic person will take and take—and give nothing in return. It’s like being bitten by a vampire and drained of your energy, joy and autonomy. You find yourself serving someone at the expense of your feelings, needs and well-being.

Don’t get me wrong—service and sacrifice are part of a good relationship. And so are challenges, disagreements, forgiveness and discomfort. But a healthy relationship is mutually life-giving. The challenges and sacrifices ebb and flow toward connection and love.

And by the way, most people talk about toxic relationships in the context of romance. But the reality is that any relationship can become toxic, including relationships with coworkers, in-laws, parents, siblings and friends.

Toxic vs. Healthy Relationship Behaviors

Nobody wakes up excited to admit a relationship has gone off the rails. Calling something “toxic” feels heavy. It makes the situation real. It forces you to wrestle with the hard truth that you might need to set new boundaries, walk away from a dating relationship, or create distance from people you love.

But here’s the deal: You can’t heal what you won’t name. You’ve got to take an honest look at the patterns showing up in your relationships—even when the unhealthy behaviors are coming from you.

Here are some common signs that show the difference between toxic behaviors and healthy ones.

Toxic vs. Abusive Relationships: What’s the Difference?

Before we move on, I want to share one important caveat: Don’t confuse toxic with abusive. Abuse is an extreme form of toxicity, and it should never be tolerated by anyone for any reason or for any amount of time.

If you or anyone you know is trapped in a physically, sexually or emotionally abusive relationship, please reach out to the appropriate professionals for help‚ including the police. You can also call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE. You and your loved ones are worth being safe.

The Top 14 Signs of a Toxic Relationship 

So how do we distinguish between the normal challenges of any relationship and a truly toxic one? Before we dive into the details, here’s a quick look at the most common signs of a toxic relationship. Use this list as a gut check. If several of these feel familiar, it’s worth slowing down and paying attention.

• You don’t feel emotionally safe.
• Communication is poor or nonexistent.
• You feel ignored, used or exploited.
• You feel like you’ve lost your identity.
• Judgment—not curiosity—is the norm.
• They belittle you or make you feel ashamed.
• They show no empathy.
• They always blame you.
• You’re stuck in a dysfunctional relationship role.
• You feel controlled or manipulated.
• You’re walking on eggshells around their anger.
• Intense jealousy controls the relationship.
• They restrict your money, friends or support system.
• They treat every conversation like an attack.

Now let’s break these down so you can understand what each sign really looks and feels like in everyday life. Remember—awareness isn’t about shame or blame. It’s about getting clarity so you can make healthier choices moving forward.

1. You don’t feel emotionally safe.

I don’t mean physically (although that applies too). I’m talking about a sense of emotional safety. Can you openly share your thoughts and feelings with this person? Does your voice matter? Or do you feel like you’re always editing yourself, afraid of what they’d do or say if you were radically honest?

A healthy relationship gives space for people to be imperfect and accountable at the same time. You can tell each other the good stuff and the shameful stuff and openly talk about who has hurt you. You can be fully seen and still be fully loved.

Now let’s be clear: In most cases, you wouldn’t share your deepest hurts with your in-laws the way you might with a trusted friend. Emotional safety has levels, depending on the relationship. It takes wisdom to discern the depth and differences of each relationship.

2. Communication is poor or nonexistent.

Good communication is the heartbeat of every relationship, and it’s easy to go off the rails without even meaning to. My wife and I have gone through seasons of toxicity because I was afraid to express my needs and desires. I would wish and assume, and when my expectations didn’t become reality, I would judge her, experience massive disappointment, and become resentful. It wasn’t until I opened up that we could actually connect.

And make no mistake: Being honest doesn’t mean everything will magically be okay. Things are probably going to be uncomfortable or painful. That’s normal. But burying your hurts and needs deep inside you only leads to resentment.

Often, an emotionally charged conversation activates our fight, flight or freeze response. You become explosive, tackling the threat head on, or you withdraw into a cold silence.

Other examples of dysfunctional communication include gaslighting, manipulating words, dishonesty, and attaching judgment to someone else’s words without asking for clarification.

3. You feel ignored, used or exploited.

I live in the woods in Middle Tennessee. Since we have so much space outside, we planted a garden. Imagine this with me: What if I left my plants to fend for themselves, never watering or weeding or fertilizing? Things wouldn’t end well.

Not to sound like a hippie, but people need nurturing just like my garden. If your partner doesn’t honor and tend to your basic needs—not because you can’t do it, but because they care about you—then you’re not in a healthy relationship. Chances are, you’re not only being ignored—you’re also being exploited in a toxic relationship.

4. You feel like you’ve lost your identity.

Toxic people tend to absorb, manipulate, and mold people to fit their own agendas. Their plans and interests dominate the relationship. You often find yourself doing things you don’t want to do just to please them—violating your core values, going places that make you uncomfortable, or spending time with people who set off your anxiety alarms.

Never forget: You hold the power. It’s up to you—not your partner—to recognize these patterns and set healthy boundaries. It’s your job to say no, assert yourself, and live in alignment with your values. But toxic people will often become resentful, frustrated or angry when you set boundaries or live out your values.

This is often hard to see on your own. Give your friends or trusted loved ones permission to speak into your life when they see you disappearing into someone else’s. Those closest to us can often see things we can’t.

5. Judgment—not curiosity—is the norm.

We all have weird stuff about us that makes life both fun and challenging. The lifeblood of a relationship is curiosity, not judgment. If you like waking up early and your spouse likes sleeping in, that’s cool. Instead of saying, “You should get up earlier,” ask, “Why do you like sleeping in so late?”

And beyond being weird, we all mess up. We say or do things that hurt other people or step on toes or accidentally walk into their personal land mines. But these human missteps don’t equal toxic relationship signs. We need people who care enough to call it out. Being challenged and held accountable are important parts of any healthy relationship. But a toxic person will approach you with condemnation, not compassion. They’ll use your past mistakes as a weapon. Judgment is one of the telltale signs of a toxic relationship.

6. They belittle you or make you feel ashamed.

Does this person make you feel less than? Do they belittle you or put you down? Make you feel stupid or ashamed? These are all signs of emotional immaturity—and clear indicators of a toxic relationship. Emotionally immature people need to prop themselves up on a pile of your wrongs, failures and shortcomings. When they can’t find something bad to point out, they tend to invent something or rub your nose in something from the past.

7. They show no empathy.

Empathy is like a pair of glasses you put on to see the world through someone else’s eyes. It’s choosing to “rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep” (Romans 12:15 ESV). It’s choosing not to lecture those who are going through a hard time about why they should be grateful. And it’s also choosing not to remind people who are doing well of all the suffering in the world.

A toxic person is hyperfocused on their own needs and wants, which blinds them to the realities of the people around them. When you open up and share your heart with a toxic person, you’re met with apathy instead of empathy, and redirection instead of celebration. They might dismiss you when you share important things with them, turn the conversation back on themselves, and one-up you when you tell stories.

8. They always blame you.

Another clear sign you’re in a toxic relationship is when you’re constantly the one getting blamed—no matter what actually happened. When someone pins everything on you, it starts to warp how you see yourself and what you’re responsible for. You end up carrying guilt that isn’t yours and shrinking back from your own needs and boundaries.

And here’s the really toxic part: That blame often shows up alongside gaslighting—when someone intentionally tries to make you question your own memory or reality. That combination is confusing, exhausting and dangerous. It’s not love. It’s control.

9. You’re stuck in a dysfunctional relationship role.

We often replay the family dynamics and relational stories of our childhoods in our adult relationships. For better or worse, these stories are our road maps for life. For example, a woman might marry a man who sits on the couch and plays video games all day so she can fulfill a mothering role. Or a child might take on caring for a parent who’s an addict‚ believing it’s their job to fix their parent.

Being stuck in a dysfunctional role is a sign of a toxic relationship because a relationship like that can’t be mutually life-giving and supportive. Is the person you’re with willing to grow and take accountability for themselves? Are you willing to grow? Because it’s only when we start to question our automatic roles that we begin to heal and change our generational legacies.

10. You feel controlled or manipulated.

A toxic person feels a compulsion to tip the power balance in their favor. They might check in on you all the time or constantly bug you about where you’re going and what you’re doing. Your partner might weaponize the relationship to manipulate you into doing things. They might withdraw when you upset them and come running back when you do something “right.”

A good litmus test for this is to think of something that brings you joy. If you immediately think, Yeah, but [insert name here] will get mad, you’re probably being controlled or manipulated.

11. You’re walking on eggshells around their anger.

Toxic people are often critical, mocking and chronically sarcastic. Are you always walking on eggshells around this person? Are they always frustrated by something? Do they explode in episodes of rage? A chronically angry person is not emotionally well and cannot be a supportive partner. When you feel like you have to hide, you know it’s toxic.

12. Intense jealousy controls the relationship.

Passive-aggressive jealousy in response to your everyday life crosses a line. When someone reacts negatively to your normal activities or makes you feel guilty for doing things without them, it shifts from missing you to trying to control you. That kind of behavior can point to a toxic relationship.

13. They restrict your money, friends or support system. 

A telltale sign of toxic relationships is when one person restricts resources that would keep the other person healthy and supported. Maybe you don’t have access to the bank accounts, or your partner keeps track of your phone call records. Now, a relationship with healthy boundaries means you honor your partner’s wishes if they ask you not to spend time with someone who’s dangerous or a threat to your family. But if you’re cut off from supportive and loving friends and family, that’s a strong sign of a toxic relationship.

14. They treat every conversation like an attack.

Someone caught in toxic patterns treats every conversation like an attack. You can come to them calm and careful—“Hey, can we talk about what happened this week?”—and they still fire back with anger or defensiveness.

And over time, you start rehearsing every word and beating around the bush, afraid you’ll set them off. That’s not healthy conflict. That’s your body telling you the relationship isn’t safe for honest conversations or constructive criticism.

What to Do if You’re in a Toxic Relationship

So, what in the world do you do with all this information? Is it possible for a toxic relationship to change? While I can’t help you come to that conclusion in a single article, here are a few things for you to consider as you move forward:

Get out of the other person’s head.

It’s tempting to pick apart and analyze other people’s behavior, especially when someone hurts you deeply. But this is a complete waste of your time and emotional energy. Stop trying to figure them out and instead focus on what you’re bringing to the table.

You only have control over two things in this life: your thoughts and your actions. So get out of their head and spend more time in yours.

Recognize that behavior is a language. 

Behavior is a language. If you’re in a relationship with someone who repeatedly hurts or diminishes you, they’re saying all you need to know—even if they aren’t using words. Read that again.

Ask: Are we just in a toxic season?

Like I shared earlier, my wife and I have been through toxic seasons in our marriage. Sometimes life is just incredibly hard and one (or both) of you aren’t handling it well. If you’re going through a big transition, having a kid, or experiencing loss or illness, you might just need to hang in there and extend some extra grace. Remember that the earlier you get your feelings, hurts, and concerns out in the open, the sooner things can heal.

Paint a picture of the kind of relationship you want.

You might be so used to toxicity that you don’t even know what a healthy relationship looks like. Give yourself permission to dream about how you actually want to be treated. A healthy, supportive marriage only works if you wake up every day thinking, How can I make my partner’s day better? (And if they think the same way about you!) It’s not a 50/50 split of effort and love and intention—it’s giving 100% each way. Everybody wins when you choose to put each other’s needs in front of your own.

You’re worth having extraordinary relationships, even if you don’t know what that looks like right now.

Talk to a trusted friend or counselor. 

You can’t move from toxic relationships to healthy ones overnight. It takes time and practice. Open up with a trusted, kind and wise friend who can help you get some perspective. You might even need to see a professional therapist. I tell other people how to do relationships for a living, and I still regularly see a professional. Yes, it’s uncomfortable and expensive and hard work. Do it anyway. You can’t afford not to.

Learn new relational tools.

Relational skills—just like anything else in life—can be learned. You might need to learn skills like assertiveness, boundaries, self-forgiveness, trust building, confrontation or vulnerability. One of the best ways to do this is to meet with a mental health professional (see above), but there are also tons of books, podcasts and other free resources. And as with any new tools, the key to getting better at using them is practice.

Leave if you need to. 

If your relationship is toxic through and through, it might be time to end it—especially if you’re dating. Getting married or having another baby won’t solve your problems. In fact, it will probably make them worse. If you’re just waiting around hoping they’ll change someday, it’s time to kill the fantasy and move on.

But if you’re married, don’t be tempted to pull the plug on the relationship just because things get hard. Exhaust all your options before making a decision as final as divorce. See a counselor, talk to a pastor, and do the work. Healthy, fulfilling relationships are worth the effort and awkwardness and hard conversations it takes to create them.

Take the Next Steps to Co-Create Healthy Relationships

Relationships are messy. But you need them for a healthy, whole life. Don’t run to the hills and swear off all relationships forever. Yes, they’re risky. Yes, people will hurt you (and you’ll hurt them too). But when done right, a good relationship is the most life-giving force on the planet. We need each other. Don’t give up on people—or yourself.