Conflict Management 101: How to Have Difficult Conversations

“Three cheers for uncomfortable conversations!” said no one ever.

Let’s be real, dealing with conflict at work—including tough talks with team members—is freaking hard. On top of that, most of us aren’t great at it. So you’re not alone if you’re half tempted to follow Mark Twain’s advice to “never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.”

Despite his wit, we’re guessing even Mr. Twain would caution you that delaying discomfort (and risking greater pain in the long run) isn’t what healthy leaders do. What do they do? They learn how to have difficult conversations in a way that’s fair, loving and dignified.

Really? You can do that?

Absolutely! We’ll walk you through the steps shortly, but first, let’s look at why it’s human nature to avoid difficult conversations at work and how to change your perspective about them.

 

Why People Avoid Hard Conversations With Employees

If someone tells you they enjoy initiating painful conflict with team members, you’re not wrong in questioning their wisdom. Proverbs 30:33 tells us "riled emotions turn into fist fights" (The Message). Who wants that? But steering clear of blowups isn’t the only reason most of us avoid hard conversations with employees. Here are some more:

• Lack of skills: You might feel like you don’t know how to handle the conversation effectively. The biggest challenge of leadership is modeling what’s never been modeled for you.
• Uncertainty: Not knowing how the other person will react can be intimidating.
• Bad history: If every tough conversation you’ve ever had has gone badly, it’s hard to get excited about going through that again.
• Dread of discomfort: Many of us don’t know how to manage uncomfortable emotions—ours or someone else’s.
• Fear of abusing authority: You care about others and don’t want to harm them.

We get it. Those are honest reasons to dodge hard conversations with employees. But avoidance leads to bigger problems and a toxic work culture down the line. You don’t want that. You also don’t want to miss the chance to develop healthier team members and company cultures.

Benefits of Conflict Management and Hard Conversations

When you initiate tough talks in the right way, you make room for wins like these:

• Clarity and understanding: You clear up misunderstandings and set clear expectations.
• Improved relationships: You build trust and strengthen relationships.
• Problem solving: You work together to answer tough challenges and resolve issues before they blow up.
• Personal growth: You get in reps for better communication and leadership skills—and your team members get to safely address blind spots and grow in their roles.

Changing Your Perspective on Conflict

Okay, so earlier we mentioned having bad histories with conflict. It’s highly probable you’ve witnessed a cringey version of hard conversations. Heck, even when they’re done well, direct conversations can bring up messy emotions for everyone involved. But to lead well, you’ve got to focus on the opportunity conflict brings for clarity and building stronger, more self-aware team members.

Hurt Versus Harm

Ramsey Solutions’ CEO, Dave Ramsey, says, "A problem will never get better unless it’s corrected. And it can only be corrected if it’s addressed head on.” In other words, ignoring issues won’t make them go away. You have to face them directly but with kindness. That’s where knowing the difference between hurting someone and harming them is critical to working toward positive outcomes.

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Hurt relates to a behavior you want someone to change so they move forward better and stronger. Hurt is temporary.

Harm relates to a person’s identity. It conveys there’s no hope—they’ll never be enough. Harm brings lasting pain.

Hear this clearly: It’s okay to hurt someone if you have their best interest in mind, but it’s never okay to harm them.

These examples will help you understand hurtful (but helpful) versus harmful statements.

Hurtful: You can make a bigger impact.
Harmful: You don’t have what it takes.

Hurtful: You need to level up in critical thinking.
Harmful: You aren’t as smart as I thought.

Hurtful: You need to improve your skills.
Harmful: You’re not good enough.

Hurtful: You make it hard to get to know you.
Harmful: No one likes you.

Messing with anyone’s identity and suggesting they’ll never be enough cuts to the core. Don’t do it. If you feel something’s off with a team member but can’t pinpoint the issue, pause. Only when you know the concrete, behavior-focused action you want them to address are you ready to talk.

The Roles of Fairness, Love and Dignity

With your fresh perspective, it’s time to embrace your role in helping a team member whose job is in jeopardy. It will always be a little unsettling, but if you obsess about your discomfort instead of their opportunity to grow, you’ll rob them of your best coaching. So stay focused on them, not you.

Remember, your goal is conflict management that’s fair, loving and dignified. Here’s what that means:

Fairness: Fair conflict management follows a process that provides the awareness, coaching and expectations the team member needs to address the problem. We’ll walk through Ramsey’s five-step process below.

Love: You may be tempted to dodge hard truths, backpedal, and talk too much in the name of having a loving conversation. But you actually show more love when you’re honest, clear and brief. To deliver the focused, loving truth your team member needs, don’t have the hard conversation until your emotions are in check.

Dignity: Do everything in your power to ensure the team member looks back on the conversation with self-respect—and respect for you. That starts by outlining your thoughts in advance to keep you on track. Also, think more about helping the person grow than how awful and awkward you feel in the moment.Every person wants dignity. But when they’re processing things that are tough to hear, they may not know how to create or protect it. How do you help them? If they get emotional, scrambled or argumentative, gently remind them that they want to look back and see this as a dignified experience. You’ll be amazed how this calms them.

How to Navigate the 5 Levels of Difficult Conversations

Here’s how fairness, love and dignity work throughout the five levels of difficult conversations.

1. First Contact

This level is hardest and most involved because it’s the first time you’re addressing the unwelcome behavior. You’re also setting precedence for the process and tone going forward, so it’s critical to get this conversation right. Even so, this first contact will only take 15 to 20 minutes to cover everything.

• Set the tone in the first 10 seconds. Let your team member know if this will be a casual talk or something more serious. Is their job safe or on the line? Speak to that elephant in the room right away.

• Estimate how long the discussion process will take—just a few minutes, under an hour, over a few sessions, or something else.
• Be straightforward. Your team member might not even realize their behavior is an issue until you tell them. It’s on you to directly state the problem, its scope and its severity.
• About 90 seconds in, check for understanding. How is your team member processing? Do they feel like you understand their perspective? If so, explain the behavior’s effect on others, then ask for their thoughts.
• If they’re shutting down or defensive, start over and calmly let them know you’re going to work through it together.
• This table metaphor (using Bob as the team member) will help you share your stance:

The Table Metaphor
Bob, you and this behavior are on one side of the table, and your team is on the other. I’m with you on your side of the table, as an advocate and coach, and I want to help you resolve the issue so you’re on the same side of the table as your team. As long as you share my urgency and apply my coaching, you’ll get there. But if you don’t, I may have to stand as a neutral party between you and your team. And if you still don’t address the problem, I’ll have to move to the other side of the table. I don’t want that to happen.

• Set the action steps. How will they address the issue so you stay on their side of the table? When will you meet again to check their progress?
• Do a final check to make sure they feel safe, and gauge their attitude and understanding.

You want them to leave challenged but hopeful, so as you’re standing, invite them to come back to you if they feel the talk was one-sided, unfair or unsafe after they’ve processed more.

2. Coaching

As great as a one-and-done conversation is, they’re rare. Plan to get together with your team member a few times to answer questions and check their progress. When you do:

• Be an advocate and a coach.

• Ask how they’ve progressed and if there’s anything they need from you to help them win.

• Be clear on what you’re seeing. Are they humble and teachable or argumentative and blaming?
• Clarify expectations and connect them with anyone else you want to help them—for example, a leader from another area of the business or a team member with expertise in a certain skill.
• Set your next meeting. If the issue is resolved by this meeting, thank them for taking it seriously and moving to the side of the table with their team. If they’re not steadily moving forward, it’s time to move to the next step: emotional firing.

3. Emotional Firing

We know—emotional firing sounds jarring. That’s because it is. It’s meant to cause the team member to feel the emotions of termination without the consequences yet. You’re raising the stakes so they understand their job is on the line. These are some of the key points you’ll work through:

• Establish the intensity of the situation.
• Address the truth that they’re not sharing the necessary urgency and applying the coaching.
• Let them soak in the reality that you’re now standing (using the table metaphor). It’s time for them to choose between changing their behavior and keeping their job or being let go.
• Give them two options: To keep trying, following a performance improvement plan with no wiggle room, or to move on from your company.
• Check for understanding.
• Close by allowing the team member to leave work early to think over their options. Let them know you’ll reach out the next day to hear how they want to move forward.

4. Performance Improvement Plan

Now you’ve reached the team member’s last opportunity to do what’s necessary to stay with your company. Be very specific in their performance improvement plan, and set a tight time frame to meet the expectations.

• Clarify that the plan is extremely difficult with zero wiggle room on whether they meet your expectations.
• Remind them that they’ve been working on change for a while, and be honest about whether you think they’ll successfully do the work now.

5. Termination

If there’s still no improvement, unfortunately, you’ve got to let the person go. That’s never easy, but if you’ve communicated well throughout the steps, this will be the shortest, most straightforward meeting.

• Bring in another leader to help you with this meeting. You’ll be the point person, and they’ll be the wing person.
• As point person, let the team member know they didn’t meet the expectations of the performance improvement plan. Therefore, the decision has been made that today is their last day. No more chances.
• Present any severance package you’re offering.
• Check for understanding, then let them know the other person (often someone from human resources) will take over with all the details involved in firing them the right way.

It’s been said, “The opposite of love is not hate but indifference.” Choose to love and serve your team wholeheartedly. That will require you to get comfortable with being uncomfortable—and to tell the truth even when it’s hard.